posted on: January 20, 2015 at 3:28 pm

When I eat a carrot, how come I don’t want 52 carrots but when I eat carrot cake I want the whole cake. Is it the fact that carrots don’t come with cream cheese icing, AND carrots aren’t cake.  Lays potato chips used to have a TV commercial challenging the couch potato, (a human who got that name from LAYING there, eating the whole bag of LAYS potato chips) “Bet you can’t eat just one?” My thing as it turns out is FROSTING… That applies to Ho-Ho’s, Devil Dogs, Hostess Cherry Fruit pies, Twinkies, Funny Bones, Yodels, Suzy-Q’s, and Boston Crème Dunkin Donuts…

Is the answer as simple as I’m an addict”, or can I be more specific. I have a toxic appetite.  I used to get stoned and eat an entire can of Pillsbury Frosting Supreme with my finger, cause in college we didn’t have spoons. At least I didn’t, but spoons and their misuse and the bending of them is for another installment.  Michael Jackson had a friend that could bend spoons with his mind, Uri Geller I believe.   What a using buddy he must have been?  I think that eating a can of Pillsbury Frosting with your index finger qualifies me to write this article.  To say I ended up homeless, cause I did, as a direct result of my desire for frosting would be quite a leap, but a pattern seems to be developing…Whether there’s frosting in something, on something or just frosting all by itself I love frosting…Did it start with Frosted Flakes, or the frosting on Froot Loops, (I think it’s corporately irresponsible to spell fruit FROOT, but I guess it has something to do with the fact that there’s nothing even close to fruit in FROOT LOOPS) OMG, Frosted Pop Tarts…especially the brown sugar cinnamon ones…The box is the perfect size for a frosting binge, the edges of Pop Tarts notwithstanding…I would always trim the edges because it made the Pop Tart binge too cakey, if you know what I’m talking about…There’s a Russian bakery at the Public Market in Seattle on the waterfront, PiroshkyPiroshky…one Piroshky would have been enough, No ? Kinda like forever and ever…isn’t Forever long enough?  Piroshky’s makes Oscar’s Star…a buttery dough topped with Nutella, sweet cream cheese sprinkled with Hazelnuts…there should be an ambulance and a coroner and a funeral director standing by because this is the FROSTING SUPER BOWL…I’m ashamed to admit that I’d get four of these, telling myself while I bought them that they were too good to keep myself and that when I got back to my friends I’d share them and in the cab ride back to the hotel, two would ultimately perish into my pie hole or more appropriately “frosting hole” and then cherish the other two, resolving that I’d give the remaining two away.  But, things with frosting the likes of this have a voice and the voice says “EAT ME”…Then I realized that they have no voice or say in the matter at all and the voice is within myself, because what are the chances that these Oscar Stars would have a voice and it would sound just like mine…

Oh, and what would a frosting piece be without delving into the world of CINNABON…those throw pillows of carbohydrate fantasticness which wouldn’t be the same unless they were iced with frosting, or frosted with icing…I can’t figure out which, but what makes them so totally irresistible is the icing/frosting….they’d have to easily be 8 million calories WITHOUT the frosting…but NO, they’re slathered in white heaven…

I’m proud to say that these frosted things are no longer in my diet…Because I lack the ability to limit myself to just one…I lack the ability to limit myself to one of a lot of things and there are things I’ve resolved to not allow myself even one of…and based on this publication we KNOW what those things are….BUT I must STOP doing the things I cannot STOP doing…and I cannot stop if there’s frosting…No drinking, no drugs, no gambling, and now NO FROSTING ?

For the sake of clarity, not one pill, not one hit, not one sip, not today, hopefully not ever…but in the absence of all those NOT ONES, I know I needed to add anything with frosting….it’s only September but now that ANYTHING WITH FROSTING is no longer part of the consumption conversation, how long will it be before I start to dread the holidays and Burl Ives and his portrayal of the frostiest of all frosty things, “Frosty the Snowman”…I’ll just think of his carrot nose…and I guess I’ll be able to survive…Next month, we’ll talk about EGG NOG…this is for people who want to get drunk and also want pancakes. Did someone say pancakes?

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  1. Had the thrill of seeing u perform tonight at Majestic Isles & just wanted to let u know your performance was outstanding. My stomach hurts from laughing. Your singing ability also had me mezmorized.

    Many thanks for a wonderful evening.

    1. that is soooooo sweet and thank you for the love…it is appreciated…keep your eyes if you will on should you wanna come and see me again…all the love Sarge

    2. my new book is available on…YOU won’t be able to put down “I’m Still Standing Up”…..from adoption, to Grossinger’s in the Catskills to TODAY, it is the hilarious story of SARGE. ALL download options available including ordering an autographed print version. love Sarge

  2. Sarge, you brought down the house in Beit Shemesh. Comedy for Koby struck it big this year with you. Thanks for traversing the Atlantic to perform for yet another group of MOTs.
    Yours Truly,
    Mavens in the Middle East

    1. you know I just read this for the first time and it’s August…that’s how busy I’ve been…loved you all and the trip and can’t wait to be invited back….xoxoxoxoxo Sarge

  3. I cqn’t believe I just read an entire blog on frosting……and loved it. Sarge – you have DEFINITELY found your gifts and continue to spread (not with your finger) the love!

    1. I can’t believe I just read this for the first time…please forgive me for my not so quick response….I love you for reading me and I thank you for you kind words….xoxoxo Sarge

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