Pretty soon we’re not going to even be allowed to speak…Just safe texts and homogenous posts on our Periscope/Instagram/Snapchat profile of a cauliflower lasagna. I’ve noticed it from the stage most prominently…GOD forbid I make a “Trump joke”. Oh my goodness the backlash and venom that spews from peoples eyes. I’ve only been brave enough to do 3 of them and they’re not about his policies or politics or party. I’d tell you in this forum if not for the upset they’d cause, but because I’m a comedian, brave and opinionated at some point in this post I will break them off. Let me backtrack by saying that I have no party based or platitude based political affiliation other than to say that the behavior of representatives of all sides is decidedly amateurish and petty. I’m neither a Democrat nor Republican and independent means at some point I voted for Ralph Nader who after all of his career accomplishments has us all wearing seatbelts, hallelujah. I can’t even remember NOT wearing seatbelts, however, one thing I do remember from those pre-seatbelt days was how we littered from my Dad’s moving car.
There we were on the Long Island Expressway speeding along in his 62 baby blue Chevy Impala with wings in the back and window cranks. We’d just stopped at McDonalds for some “food” which we ate in the car. My pal Larry was alongside me in the back and with my Dad driving and my Mom on the passenger side my Mom asked “you guys done?”. We must have been 8 or 9 at the time. We said “yes” and she reached for our trash. A pile of wax paper and Styrofoam quarter pounder containers with two large empty waxed soda cups filled with ice with straws sticking out of the top. OMG, straws. What have you been in prison? Straws have apparently become one of the single most dangerous thing since asbestos in elementary schools.
I heard somewhere/someone told me (Trumps main form of research) that straws take 649 years to break down in landfills. My next poolside TikiHut will be made of drinking straws instead of straw. With a 649 year lifespan, the straws of today will still be around when they’ve run out of hurricane names and start naming them after dead Rappers…Move over tropical depression Phyllis…BiggieSmalls is forming over the greater Antilles…As a matter of fact, in the “NEW Wizard of OZ”, the Scarecrow will be comprised of thousands of Starbucks and McDonalds straws no longer available anywhere in California. But seriously, the straws are a BIG problem as they get stuck in the nostrils of Sea Turtles which is a fair bit of compassion coming from people who’ve been shoving those straws up THEIR nostrils since the late 70’s when rolled up hundreds weren’t available.